i miss him.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. And saying "miss" isn't even a strong enough word. Sometimes I want to scream, "ok! you can come back now!" It's like it still hasn't sunk in yet and it's been 13 weeks. I dream of him all the time and sometimes wake up thinking I heard his voice. He used to tell me that before I was born he would have dreams about me and him bouncing and playing in the clouds. Maybe he's up there doing that now and waiting on me to join him. He talked a lot about wanting to go to outer space. Maybe he has gotten to do that. Whatever he's doing now, I'm jealous because I know he's having a blast. And pain free. At night when I pray, I talk to God and then ask Him to put Bigdaddy on the line (like it's a phone) and I talk to him. I mostly tell him about Luke. He loved my son so much. Luke and I would go visit him once a week and he would always say things to Luke like "Boy, I wish I could be around long enough to teach you how to throw a ball." My response would always be something like "oh hush, you will be able to teach him all kinds of sports stuff." I really believed that.
I loved spending time with my Bigdaddy. Always have.. Even when I was a little girl. One of my favorite pastimes is sitting on his porch in Doddridge talking for hours. And sometimes we didnt talk, we just sat. We just enjoyed being with each other. There are so many memories of him that I will always cherish. Everything from fishing, diggin' tators, playing basketball, gopher and armadillo huntin' to making omelets, shaving his face, riding the mule, and picking berries. The list of memories could go on and on and I've been trying to remember everything. The memory that keeps breaking my heart is his last day. I went to visit him in the hospital after he started having complications from his surgery. When I got there they had him up and moving around which I thought was good. After we were alone I showed him a picture of Luke and he just stared at it and then stared at me. He didn't say a word. I knew it was not good at that point. When I was getting ready to leave my Memaw said something to him about "your granddaughter" and he "woke up" and started looking around for me. I gave him a big hug and joked about how I needed to shave his face for him and he closed his eyes and puckered up his lips. I gave him a big kiss and told him I'd check on him in the morning. I turned back around when I got to the door. I will never forget the look on his face. The look that I can't seem to get out of my head. The look that told me he would not be there in the morning. I cried from his room all the way down to my car and all the way home and the rest of that evening. The next morning I woke up to my phone ringing at 6 am. I had Luke in the bed with me and saw on my caller ID that it was my mom. I knew before I even answered it that she was calling to tell me. I answered, she told me, and I remembered just taking a big breath as my heart shattered into a million pieces. I didn't cry because Luke was right there. He cries if he sees me cry. Levi was at the gym so Luke and I got out of bed, I fed him his bottle, put him in his exersaucer to watch his cartoons, went to my bedroom and collapsed. Levi got home soon after, I got myself together, and tried to go about my day as Luke's momma. We planned my Bigdaddy's funeral, went to his funeral and went home. How my Memaw does it, I do not know. I still tear up every time I walk into their house and see his chair. I do feel pretty lucky though that I have him as my guardian angel now. I got a tattoo on my wrist the day of his funeral of an angel wing to remind me everyday that he is with me. I just wish he was with me in person. Maybe one day it will get easier, but that day sure isn't today.